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| Hey Guys, Wow its been a long time since ive been on here, I think the novelty has work off. I dont know if anyone still will read this, if you do, im sorry. If you don't, its probably for the better. I havent felt like this in a long time. I havent felt the frustration, the anger, the hatred? I havent felt like i need to run. to run as far as I can. to never stop. to start over. maybe then things will be better. I almost did. I almost left. I just cant take it anymore. I need that escape. I mean nothing would really change. I wouldnt be a burden anymore. Not that I really am now, seeing as i fucking support myself because my "so called family" doesnt do shit. I hate it here. I need to leave. If i left you'd be left to do your own fucking work. to make your own damn plans. For once you would have to do the job you fucking make so difficult. For now though, I sit here, eyes burning from trying to hold the tears, in solitude, because I wouldnt have it any other way. Enjoy your "perfect family" i'll fade. I'll do just as you want. You give me shelter, and I'll pay for everything else. Fuck it thats the way it is. Someone asked me recently if I was happy. I am happy. My life is good. Everything seems to be falling into place. For the first time I have a girlfriend who loves me. I have a circle of friends who are trying their best to protect me even though I am pushing away. I love my co-op placement, and even my work isnt too bad. Is it wrong to feel more accepted by someone elses family then your own? How about two families? Perhaps 3? I just need to keep my grades up. Get accepted to university. And leave. All I have to do is wait it out... 12 Stones - Photograph Lyrics
Fear fall hard like rain again wahing over me
You say nothing will ever change what do i
Believe
You fall deep inside again nothing left to see
Weakness fills your heart again you put it to
Rest
Forfeit everything because you were never
Strong enough
Close my eyes again and pray that life will not
Give up
I try to see your face again a photograph for me
Your voice calling out again nothing left for me
You try to find your place again waiting just to
Breathe
Weakness takes your heart again you put it to
Rest....locked inside again
Did you forget about the things i said
Fight the lies inside your head
Deny those who try to bring you down
Kill the pain and emptiness
Find a love and lose yourself
Without this life you're just a memory...locked
Inside again
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| So I know its been a while...but theres been a lot of stuff going on the I wasn't sure how to talk about, or even how to put it into words. Some of you guys might have gotten to hear my theory about "God hates me". I can assure you that God doesn't actually hate me as I half-jokingly had said. Everything seemed to be ripped away from me, and leaving me to be an empty shell of a human being who just lost everything he had. Does this sound like someone else to you? Maybe someone biblical? Thanks to a friend (Amelia) I realized that I am like a living version of the biblical man 'Job'. Ok maybe not so drastic, I don't have boils all over my body (know how much that would suck?) and no one died. But i'm basically him on a lessor level. The difference between us...is that I gave up. Honestly I started to doubt God, to wonder why he was taking everything away from me...or not interviening on Satans attack. Job however stayed strong in God, when everything fell away from him. Job 1 - Travis 0. I had a ton of people backing me the entire time, praying for me and talking to me. I had people trying to get me to not give up my hope in everything, including God. Yet somehow I still did give up. Job had everyone attacking him. Job was like a one man army, his own wife is quoted in the bible saying "Curse God and die!". Job however remained strong in God, even when everyone else told him to push away/ Job 2 - Travis 0. I think we can see where i'm going with this...Job owned me. I'm trying to fix this though, I've started attending Embassy monday nights at the Waterloo Rec Centre. Its a non-denominational church for university students (yes I realize im not in university)...but its really helping me to start growing in God again.
Jr. Pitch was this weekend. And I was expecting it to be the hardest weekend of my life. I was running sports (thats right in charge)...whcih meant if stuff went wrong it came back to me and I had to fix it. Some people had confidence in me to get this done...but some were still skeptical. It actually turned out really well, my team of refs did a great job, and friendships were strengthened and some were even re-invented. It was really good...and for the first time I have ever helped out with sports...it ended on time! Way to go team!
Have you guys ever thought about the mark you leave on someone by doing a simple action. Mine was a song I wrote, expressing my feelings. I posted it on here...it was called "Our Time Is Through" and it was posted around december 2. Who knew that one song could mean so much to one person. But it did/does. Its weird though, I mean i didnt write it to hurt anyone..or effect anyone in any way. It was my song, and it was me expressing the emotions I felt deep inside. The ones that no one would know existed. But it hit one person really hard...and it still means a lot to them. And it makes sense that it does...because now I can see why. But at the time...it was just a song I wrote from the inside of a very confused boy.
Anyways I think thats about it. I just want to leave you guys with a thought. The Rolling Stones were great in their time...now they aren't so great. But their original recordings are still awesome. The final thought of this entry is lyrics from The Rolling Stones song "you can't always get what you want". The lyrics in this song are "you can't always get what you want". This is basically saying that everything we want, we arent going to get, its impossible to make everything you want to happen, happen. You aren't going to get everything. However the line "You can't always get what you want" is followed in the song by "But if you try sometimes, Well you just might find you get what you need!". What we need to understand that we arent ever going to get everything we want...but if we at least try for it, we get what we need.
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| Hey Xangalonians, long time no talk. The reason its been so long is because I can't quite ever put what im feeling into words. I'm also not trying to offend anyone, or come off in the wrong way. I've been doing a lot of questioning, and a lot of self-answering. One conclusion i've come to is I'm not mad, just confused out of my mind.
Why do certain things happen in life? I mean you can see the buildup to something...but why does that something even bother to exist? That something isn't actually a reality at all, its just the outcome of every event, ever performed in time all lining up to make a single second in life. Why doesn't any of this make sense? Well if it did, then we would be able to see where we're going. And if we could see where we're going, we would try and change it. Lets face it...no one is perfectly content wtih anything that if given the chance...you wouldnt change one thing. Maybe you're hair colour, maybe what you said to your friend, maybe weither or not you are wearing socks today. If we knew where we were going and how it all worked out, we would just screw it up anyways. Although its frustrating to not "get it", although its frustrating when God seemingly lets us down...if we knew why what happened did, we would try and change where we're going. We wouldn't be able to accept things as they are. We would try and change where we're going. Now, some of you might "know where you're going" but I certainly dont. And neither do you. You only think you know...but however so many factors affect your life, that you don't have a clue. Nothing in this life is promised. Nothing is always going to be there when you need it. Dare I say "nothing lasts forever". And this is frankly because that nothing, is only a something, because events before it led to it.
Jason -"Are you ok? Cuz for a second there you looked like you were somewhere else"
Evan- "Look Jason. I need some fast answers from you now if i'm ever going to fix what I've done"
Jason- "I was praying that this case could have ended with me..."
Evan- "Yeah...but it didn't. So now i need information to make things right again, and you're the only one that can give it to me"
Jason- "There is no right. You can't change who people are without destroying who they were..."
Evan- "Who says you can't make things better?"
Jason- "You can't play God son. It must end with me. Just by being here you may be killing your mother..."
Evan- "Thats bullshit. You know, I'll send you a postcard when I make everything perfect"
This is a scene from "The Butterfly Effect". Evan has a pure heart. He wants to fix all the problems he has created. He wants to save Kaylee, but he can't. Everytime he tries to fix it, something else goes wrong. Jason understands that without every precise detail falling into the exact same place, the world as it is would not exist. This is exactly why nothing in life can ever make sense...because if it did, we would try to change it, and lets face it, we suck at "playing God".
"It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world." -Chaos Theory
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| Life is an experiance. Ya know, you can be so set in your mind that its going to happen that way. But then someone might talk some sense into you...and make you realize that as hard as it is to believe...you dont know everything. Thats sorta the case with me right now. I still don't know how all this is going to turn out...but im trying to not be so negative about it. Who knows? It just might turn out for the better :). So guys...im going in with no cover...and a very minimal plan of action...but I think it might actually be ok. This is just one of those things you have to face head on and let fate set in :). Keep me in your prayers though...i'm not out of the deep waters yet.
"Its in the way she makes every rotten little thing about life, seem like its going to be ok"...I just need to remember that...and i'll make it out alive.
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| Isn't it so weird how God communicates? I mean...first in my brokenness...last night when I was on the brink of losing it...he played the song "Wherever you will go" and this hit me hard cuz it really fit my situation. Then this morning he played the song "You are mine" by third day. And it started to hit me hard, and it got me thinking. The song really relates to me right now. And then I went and watched the movie "Donnie Darko" and i really related to part of it (the scene when he's talking to his therapist about things crawling away to be alone to die) *not suicidal dont worry, just made sense* then I came back on and my media player played these songs: "Mad world" which ius a very sad song...that just makes sense for right now. Next he played "the awakening"...and it just sorta was telling me to take the sitauation as it is and just to let myself learn something. Then he played "your gaurdian angel" which just part of it hit me really hard. And last he played "You are loved (dont give up)" and yeah...this one speaks for itself. I feel really alone right now and...well unloved...so this just hit me hard. That I still am loved, and I just have to fight through it. And last, he played "nothing else matters" and it just sorta calmed me down.
Anyways thats my quick rant...and now I have to go to work. So guys keep praying. I dont know how this is going to end...but im bracing myself. Just pray guys...
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